Montana. Fuckin A.

Its a new tagline I just came up for Montana. What a place.

We're heading south back out of the Glacier Park region on our way to Yellowstone. There's a certain mindset that defines the people of this area and drives them to gamble in liquor stores and gas stations and eat meat that's redder than a bloody boxing glove.

And you know what? I can't get enough of it. Even though we're in hot pursuit of sunshine and new scenery, I can't help but think there would never be enough time to explore what this place is all about. Thank you to all the folks of Lakeside, Whitefish, Glacier and Kalispell. You're good people. Fuckin A.

Now, as for the Montana trout. You're all on notice. You got lucky this time, but I can't say your brethren in Wyoming and Colorado will fare as well. The Spirit of the Trout Slayer visited me last night and I gotta say, he taught me a thing or two that will lead to your demise.

I would also like to thank my awesome wife and hilarious RV Mates for making today a great birthday. 31 wonderful year. In 31 more, I'll be 62. No, seriously. Do the math.

Chris

The Ruth Chris' of Montana

2205 US Highway 93 S., Kalispell, MT
406-257-8188

When your father texts you, and puts you in charge of finding a place for dinner for 15 people that has steak, while you are in the middle of nowhere, where do your turn?

The locals of course!

The Winchester Steak House was suggested to us by the manager of the first RV park we stopped at. Although he was an usual character, we heeded his advice (he did correctly peg me for a wings kind of girl). He ranted and raved about the restaurant, telling us it was the best steak in Montana, and maybe even in the whole west. After our internet search on the restaurant confirmed this, we made our reservations.

10, 12, 14 and 16 ounce steaks bless this simple menu. Prime rib, rib eye,  filets and new york strips beg to be ordered. All accompanied by a vegetable, a potato, mashed or baked, and a choice of soup or salad. Ladies this place is not for the faint of heart. They will happily split a plate for you, which I did with the 10 ounce filet mignon.

Also attached to the Winchester is Scotty's bar. A full service bar and of course casino.

Alli & Kathleen heart steak.

The Winchester also happily accommodated our heard of 15 Schmid's, semi-Schmid's and partial Schmid's.

Vegetarian Size Portion

After 4 days in Montana I think I have consumed an entire cow.

The heard of Schmid's.

Stream Fishing

Sunday is a day of rest...and fishing. Chris and I, being the men of the group, need to provide sustenance for the womenfolk. For the most part, we have been unsuccessful in our quest for the lunker but there were some encouraging signs this morning. We made visual contact on at least two (2) fish and I actually landed a third. The fish wasn't exactly a lunker...it would hardly qualify as bait. However, it was a baby trout so it is confirmed there are fish in the stream.

Needing to step up our efforts, the womenfolk have decided to help commune with nature hoping to awaken the gods of fish and white buffalo. You'll see from the photo that Miller Lite tends to help with the communing process.

While the women summon the fish, Chris and I will continue our quest, wasting no time with frivolities like morning alcohol consumption.

More to come. There will be blood.

HOLY COW!

MY FIRST BLOG!!!! Blog Blog Bloggity Blog. Here we are, Sunday, and the most exotic wild life we have seen is a cow walking freely through our RV Park. I am still waiting to see my Grizzly Bear. Here Grizzly Grizzly Grizzly........

In lieu of my search of a Grizzly Bear the boys are helping the cause by cooking our morning breakfast meats al fresco (out of doors). if this fails i am considering tying a used tampon to our RV (kind of like o humming bird feeder but much more grotesque).

Homestead Cafe Bar & Casino-Lakeside Montana

Home of the big ass breakfast-and they are not kidding. Our $90 breakfast and $90 retail purchase started off with a MONSTER bloody mary. As we ate our bloody mary (yes ate-each bloody mary included 2 shrimps, an asparagus, a celery stick, a hot pepper and an olive), we browsed the big ass breakfast menu, where every breakfast come with ALL of the following: hash browns, toast, two eggs (of course any way you like it) and hotcakes.

Chris ordered the eggs benedict.

Vegetarian (exempt for the weekend) Alli ordered the sausage patty.

Nate ordered 2 eggs with bacon and a side of biscuits and gravy.

Kathleen ordered the mushroom and cheese omelet.

And I had the chicken friend steak.

No hearty breakfast is complete with out a game of Keno. After breakfast we made 300 nickels at the casino in cafe.

**Please note that we can neither confirm or deny that a coffee cup went missing from the restaurant.

It's a beaver, It's a cobra, wait, no, it's Chris.

The one thing missing from our RV adventure is the scenic presence of Animals. Since we left Minneapolis the only "wild life" we have seen have been domesticated animals.

To remedy this disappointment, today we journeyed to Glacier National Park. This is what we found in our animal hunt.

Hair from a suspicious animal.

Poor Junior was dropped from the sky.

Poop.

A hole from a beaver or a cobra.

From afar, we though that we finally, we stumbled upon a giant Grizzly bear! Fact: A loud shout is more effective for scaring bears than bear bells.

We have been seriously animal deprived. The only sign of wild life we have seen to date is this bird. Can you spot the bird.

What really pisses us off is that Alli's family, who are driving in a different vehicle to Montana, have seen, buffalo, elk, baby elk, buffalo's fighting each other, elk chasing a coyote, mule dear and snowshoe hare.

Lucky for us, tomorrow is a new day.

Like a Virgin

every RV needs a mascot. something to hang in the window or tie outside the door or drag behind it that sets it a part from the other RVs.  mostly because every rv looks strikingly similar. they all have some tone of tan or brown as part of the motif and perhaps a little forest or hunter green.  apparently everyone that rvs needs to feel a connection to nature while driving.

our RV follows suit in the color category and takes it a step further with a decal saying "Spirit" in italics on the outside.  I am pretty sure every RV has an italic word written on the outside somewhere.  of course we couldn't come up with a creative name for our RV so we settled on..."Spirit"...

so to set Spirit apart from all the other RVs out there and to show our dedication to latin american culture (jana is a huge mexican food fan) we, and by we i mean, I decided on the Virgin Mary.

not only does she have arms that move in every direction (chris enjoys making her arms look as though she is signally a touchdown), but she also looks a little like jesus.  weird i know, but for some reason if you squint, you can see both mother and child.  i really wish now that i would have gotten the whole set of biblical action figures including Moses, St. Peter and the Angel Gabriel.  then we could have put one on every door of the RV...including the emergency exit.

oh. and yes. we did match the zip tie color to her robe.

and yes she dances.

and no. she really serves no purpose. 

This is How We Blog...

Edgewater Motel & RV Park-Lakeside, MT

So we have settled in, at our first destination. This place is insane. We backed up the RV, professional style, yet were quite disturbed the forceful sprinklers shooting directly at our outdoor cargo department. Thus, leaving us unable to retrieve the items we needed. Chris called the main office and was completely blown off. Kathleen and I went into person to talk to the main office and got a limo ride in a golf cart back to our site. The old southern man, with an appetite for blondes gently turned off the sprinklers for us. What else has happened?

Our first showers in the RV were taken.

I got spied on in the bathroom, now we have the buddy system for going to the bathroom.

Nate and Chris went fishing, but failed to bring home dinner.

Our grey water backed up.

1 picture is worth 688 words.

They say that pictures are worth a thousand words, but since i have yet to break out the camera, i am going to give you a thousand actual words. and damnit these words will be way  better than a picture of some underslept, overdrank, undershowered person attempting to drive a vehicle that really they shouldn't allow anyone to drive unless you have a special license (oh wait, Kat does...so nevermind...really no one should drive this thing).

Chris mentioned certain unkept promises and i would like to be the first to admit that i am just as guilty of this as anyone, although i have perfectly sound excuses for my lack of follow through...animals die.  they die even quicker when you don't take the time to figure out how to not kill them.  RIP rv fish #1.  you were semi-loved and will be semi-missed. but lets be honest. i am the hitchhiker. what hitchhiker is required to bring a goldfish?

however i was promised a good deal of drinking on this little RV adventure.  last night as i sat at dinner sucking down coffee out of a elf size coffee pot, i realized...it had been more than 24 hours since my last drink and it wasnt until 10 am on day 2 of the first day that i finally got my first drink. so thank you RV Gods for finally allowing me to partake in that holy tradition of light beer while shaking and shimmering.

i was also promised some ridiculous fatty breakfast that Jana was going to make for us.  still waiting.

we are at word 246. grab a beer. or a mt. dew. settle in. i have a lot to tell you about North Dakota crops and legends.

ND is #1 in the production of more than 13 crops.  a fact that they are VERY proud to show off and tell the world.  those crops include 2 types of wheat, bean in general and my favorite...flaxseed.  nate wanted me to add that they are #10 in Alfalfa Hay production.

they also are very proud of the fact that they are outnumbered by cows. yep you heard me right. cows. if the crazy right-winged facet of the "Allegiance for a Better Cow Family Life" got together with the left-winged "Peace in our Heard" and decided that humans were the enemy, North Dakotans would be fleeing to the Minnesota, South Dakotan and Montanan border faster than their horses or tractors could carry them.  I think there are a fair number of people from those border states that would probably just throw them back to the cows, but if they headed north they may have more luck with the Canadians since they have the Peace Garden and everything....

Finally...every good road trip must come with a story. since we travel through North Dakota, ours comes with a legend....

Long, long ago...in a land that is now called North Dakota a woman appeared that the locals named...Calf Pipe Woman.  you guessed it, she brought a pipe. and after wrapping one man who tried to seduce her in white cloud and turning him in to a pile of bones. then there is smoking and dancing and smoking and eventually the woman leaves.  rolling on the ground she turns in to a black buffalo, then rolling again a brown buffalo, the third time a red buffalo and finally a white buffalo.

in 1996 the local heard finally produced an albino buffalo and then a few years later a second and finally now as of May 31, 2007 they are a blessed heard, with three white buffalo.  that's the story.

i know i haven' quite hit word number 1000, but let's face it, you are bored and i need to go to the bathroom. so i leave you with the song of  Calf Pipe Woman....

With visible breath i am walking
in a sacred manner i am walking
a voice i am sending as i walk
with visible tracks i am walking
in a sacred manner i walk.

next time you see Jana ask her to sing it to you...she has a beautiful voice.

Shenanigans

A quick post to call Shenanigans on Chris' obtuse claim that, while driving from 2 am to 6 am, he never hit any of the road "buzzers."

While the claim may be true (although it can't be substantiated), I feel I need to put it into context. Let us note to key facts surrounding the claim:

1. The timeframe in question was 2am to 6am. There are zero vehicles on I-94 in Montana at that time of day. Chris easily used both lanes of the freeway as if they were one since there were no other cars competing for the space. Since he had double the road to work with than any of the other drivers, he was certainly at an unfair advantage.

2. Refer back to #1 when I mention the claim can't be substantiated. Upon confronting Chris about my shenanigans claim, he cited as evidence the fact that everyone in the vehicle was in fact sleeping during his entire shift. He explicitly stated there are no witnesses to his unwarranted claim. If it can't stand up in a court of law, its pure bullshit. Shenanigans!

On a side note, Mike missed the only exit we needed to take between Minneapolis and Misoula. Unbelieveable considering almost 1200 miles separate those two places. Way to go Mike.

Junior Mints Update

I believe that I was the last person to touch the box. When I first set eyes on the Junior Mints they were resting in the middle of the drivers seat and passenger seat. They were warm. I remember, vaguely, shaking the box to make sure they weren't melted.

After I came to, and after the boys all "boy looked" the Junior Mints were found resting peacefully in the fridge.

On a side note, the RV smells like natural gas.

Right now we are stopped at a gas station in Missoula getting the essentials; ice, gas and lottery tickets.

The Perch, The Captain's Chair and The Champagne Room.

These are easily my three favorite places in the RV. A lot of people think the little booth is the best place to sit in the RV. And it serves its purpose (playing cards and...playing cards). But the booth lacks significant points of power.

I'll start with the Perch.

The perch is the lofted area above the driverseat. Initially I was intimidated by the thought of my fatass climbing into this plush nest over and over. But last night, after a serviceable dinner in Bismarck, ND. We decided to throw "The Great Outdoors" in the DVD player and relax for a few minutes. I ascended to the Perch and fell in love. It offers seclusion, comfort and best of all, prime position for optimal TV viewing. I didn't get into this RV game to watch movies on the go, but there's something comforting knowing I can.

The most versatile spot on this 2-ton chariot is the Captain's Chair. It doubles as the most comfortable seat on the bus as well as the go-between of driver/shotgun and all the hiding-of-Junior-Mint shenanigans taking place in back. Sitting there requires certain responsibilities, but also makes for a killer spot to catch some 20 minute shut eye.

Then there's the Champagne Room.

I can't talk about what takes place back here, but just know it kicksass and there's plenty of Purell on hand.

*******

Three points of note from the first 23 hours.

• I'm the only driver to completely avoid the road "buzzers" they place on the shoulder of highways.
• Mike has slept 4 times while only driving 1 hour.
• Many promises go unkept in RV life.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go introduce Mr. Thick Dick to Mr. Urinal Cake.

Chris

The Case of the Disappearing Junior Mints

We had an unfortunate incident involving a box of Junior Mints. It was not a regular size box; more of a movie-theater size. You know, the kind that give you a belly ache if you eat the whole box in one sitting. The fact that it was a jumbo size box makes this story all the more tragic.

Purchased in Billings at 3 am, the mints never stood a chance. They sat patiently waiting for their chance to satisfy while Mike ate the Peanut M&M's first. Coming up on 8am, Mike needed the mints for breakfast. And his breath stunk real bad, so the timing was excellent. Mike asked me where they were and I told him they were in one of four places. After a thorough search by all the men in the vehicle, they were not found. I do believe I was the last to touch the mints; I had to move them to make room for my beer in the beverage holder.

I think someone framed me and I'm on this like Sherlock Holmes. The case will be solved. Mike doesn't really deserve to eat the mints anyway since he only drove one hour of the last 23. I don't really feel bad. That's right, I said it.

The only thing I regret is that I didn't get to have a mint.

Day 2 of Day 1: According to Mike

What happens in the RV stays in the RV. Or Not! We have been on the road for the last 21 hours. The following events take place between 12:30 pm May 28 - 8:56 am May 29.

1. Drive by mooning. Thank you jana for partaking.
2. The guys purchasing aviator sunglasses and listening to the top gun theme song.
3. Didn't see the large buffalo sculpture in ND. Nothing else to do.
4. Nate - Beat you in cribbage. Twice. Ouch.
5. Chris - Sorry for falling a sleep on you while you where driving. I was in the front passenger seat.
6. Coffee In the Morning. Through out the trip we all have been rotating the driving duties. Earlier this morning, this duty was passed onto Kat. With in 10 minutes of driving, the car was violently shaking, objects falling out of the cabinets, and my coffee press breaking into piece. May my press rest in peace.
7. Nate - I know you took my Junior Mints!! Give them back.
8. Apparently I am the only person that their phone is roaming right now. Sucks for me.

Day 2 of Day 1: According to Jana

We have been on the road since 12:30 pm CST on Thursday, May 27, 2010. It is now 8:30 am MST. We are in Montana, with Kat at the wheel. We have had many firsts.

1st injury: Alli while playing Egyptian Rat Screw


1st stop: Wal-Mart in Sauk Centre, MN


1st state the RV was peed in: Montana

1st person to pee in the RV: Alli

1st group to switch drivers, while driving, while everyone else was sleeping: Alli & Jana

1st person to make shit fall out of cabinets while driving: Kathleen

Fishy

So. we might have a slight problem.  apparently i live in the sticks.  i still think it is weird that you can't buy alcohol on sundays, but apparently in northern minnesota you can also not buy goldfish.  i tried. i tried so damn hard.  after 3 stores (2 of which were not open and one that "had a slight mishap with our last batch of goldfish") i am currently still in search of our RV pet.  never fear. where there is a will there is a way.  Now that i know we are meeting in st. cloud, the search has started for the perfect aquatic friend.

The First RV Breakfast

March 25, 2010
Can you cook something in the oven while the RV is moving?

Jana:

This is what I am brining for our first RV breakfast! I can even make it ahead of time.

Arizona Breakfast Pie:  (Indoors) 1 pound bulk pork sausage 1 9-inch unbaked pie shell 1 1/2 cups Jack cheese, shredded 2 tablespoons pimento, diced 1/3 cup green chili, hot or mild, cut into strips 3 tablespoons onions 4 eggs, beaten 1 cup cream Prepare sausage, breaking up pieces, cook until done; drain. In the unbaked pie shell, sprinkle the cooked sausage, top with cheese, pimento, chili and onion. Mix eggs and cream, pour over ingredients in pie shell. Bake at 375°F for 40 to 45 minutes or until eggs are set. Cool for about 10 minutes, slice and serve. Can be prepared before and refrigerated (add 5-minutes to baking time).

Chris: I've never loved you more. Chris: Seriously. I want to make sweet sweet love to Arizona Breakfast pie. And you. In that order.  Jana: I am blushing. Nate: So am I. This needs to be taken offline. Mike: Is there going to be any weird stuff going on in the RV. If so, we need to talk. Rule #1 – No Cross Couple Swapping Jana: If you consider eyebrow plucking, shoelace restringing and bird watching leud, then yes. Alli: Mike. i feel like cross couple swapping really can ONLY benefit you...the jagged 5th wheel... Mike: So if I am the jagged 5th wheel, what are you? The hitchhiker? Chris: YEAH HITCHHIKER! WHATCHU GOT???

2 Months Ago...

March 24, 2010
Chris, Mike and Nate were commissioned to pick out an RV suitable for the females on the trip. They ventured out to Brambillas to find their ladies the perfect motor coach. A 24 foot RV named Spirit was the chosen one. Below is a few excerpts from email thread that followed:

Chris:
Alright kids, we've got confirmation from Alli on a one-way trip to Western Montana.

Here's the breakdown, owed to Mike:

Chris: $320
Jana: $320
Nate: $320
Kat:   $320
Alli:   $150
--------------
Total: 1430
Mike: $320
RV Cost: $1,750

Mike, is this math accurate for your liking?

Jana and I will pay you when we see you. Do you want one check, or all in rolls of dimes and quarters that you can take to the cute Wells Fargo girl?

Thanks again for hooking this all up. We're just 2 months away!


And again for everyone: this includes RV rental and mileage. Gas, food, booze, beer, booze, booze, beer and booze will all come later. And booze. 


Kathleen:
Sounds good Coach! 

I feel at this moment i need to break out in song, but since i am at work......in the words of the pointer sisters : I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it!

see you all soon 


Jana:
Can we pick up hitchikers?

The Characters

While some of us have known each other for our entire lives, some of us had no choice when we married into the family. Four out of six of us are under 5'5 and all possess the genetic trait of freckles, except one. Although six of us are starting out, only five will return...Meet the RV crew.


Alli 
Fact: My favorite animal is the Octopus.

Chris
Fact: I sneeze a lot.

Jana
Fact: There is too much sunshine in my universe.

Kathleen
Fact: I have my CDL license.

Mike
Fact: I like to make pies.

Nate
Fact: I am handy with a grill.